used

Suffocate on eternal bliss.

I am done.

Exhausted, drained and every exasperated feeling. My emotions are on over drive and I can’t think straight. I have no energy for the same repetitive things and gentle formalities. Living in a world full of “Yes” people, with people so afraid of hearing “No”. When did we become frightened with the truth, and become discouraged with unfamiliarity? We’ve been lied too. We’ve been told to follow our dreams, because they always come true. No one ever tells us to work hard and then watch our dreams unfold.

No. Instead we all bite the hands that feed us and expect more from the next person. We are all in for the using and taking of everyone’s resources. We stop asking for help and instead ask for people to do for us. Do this, because I can’t. Do this, because I don’t know how.  Do this, because I fucking desire it and for the rest of the world to follow. All these materialistic needs with superficial tendencies. Generations of “likes” and who can make things easier for us. A thousand moonlight superficial “yes”  are prettier and better for our complexion. Let me love you more, until I have used you. Until I have sucked all your resources dry to fall in love with the next big thing. That is all that truly matters, what you see through a filtered photograph that claims to be truth. At the risk of running my mouth, I can’t lie. People expect so much and yet want to do so little. The bare minimal of life instead of setting out to live their own adventures. Learning and experiencing, doing everything for yourself. I don’t mind helping but when does helping become doing everything? We say “yes” so often, everyone is afraid of doing things themselves. We say “yes” so often, that hearing “No” can be discouraging. If people only knew we are entitled to nothing and the world owes us just the same. The world should never be handed to us. We all have to work hard to get what we desire. People make it look easy but only they know the true struggle of maintaining a dream.

Dreams are only easy when we are asleep. Easy when everything is within our reach, when we lay our head  down at night. If only it were that easy. If only everything I truly wanted was right within my grasp. Instead I watch my dreams go further from reach and completely out of my grasp. The sweet is never truly sweet until we experience the sour. The sour has overtaken my sense of taste, that everything has remain a bitter embrace. Still I solider on, still I keep going. Because one day dreams won’t seem like dreams anymore. The blood on my fingertips will be worth it in the end. At the end of the day I will be grateful for the thousands of “No” words I’ve heard, instead of the deceitful “Yes”. In that moment I will feel I truly earned it. I can’t lie to you. Some days I wish everything was handed to me. That everyone would do everything I asked of them and that I wouldn’t lift a single finger. That being so bold would get me everything I wanted, without doing a single damn thing. I want to use people as they have done to me. Use them until they have nothing left inside. Until they are dried out and drained, left unresponsive. I want to hear a thousand “Yes”, instead of the “No” I always receive. I want to believe that all these lies I’ve been fed can be some aspect of reality. Only in dreams do these things exist. Only in dreams can I be showered in riches and my talents praised from every rooftop. Sometimes doing things for yourself hurts. The hardest thing is life is doing things for yourself, even if it hurts, even if kills you in the end.

I am not afraid to do things myself, neither should you. Do things yourself and the rest will follow. There is no harm in asking for help just don’t expect everyone to do things for you. For every “yes” you hear, next time you’ll hear a thousand “no’s”. When you use people enough, they will stop helping you. It’s time to do things for yourself, even if it hurts, even if it kills you. Because when you least expect it, something beautiful will come from all this pain. For once in your life, the sincerity of accomplishment will mean more than anything in this world.

I guarantee it will be worth it in the end, trust me.

 

 

 

 

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Use Somebody.

We’re all in the market to use and be used. Everyone has what we need and everyone has what we want. It’s easy to pretend you need somebody. Anybody. A pulse, a touch, and a feeling. We need somebody. We need anybody. Give us the little attention that we crave, and we’ll take everything we need.

Anybody.
Somebody.
Anything.
Something.

It’s never who we want, its always who we need. What we could get from the fools of people who can easily be manipulated. Foolish people giving away secrets. Timid vulnerabilities that trust too easily and expose themselves too quickly. That’s all we are good for; telling secrets to the mighty that never needed us at all.  We are the fools, the pathetic, the broken, and the fallen. We are the suckers that believe every word and watch as heels dig deeper on our backs. Doormats with a pulse that can’t help but dust themselves off, time and time again.

Watching everyone hide behind lies and deceptive expectations. Then silently watch them turn around and play the victim. Cast your stones, you can’t hurt me. Throw your shade, I am too close to the light. How we love to absorb every ounce of this energy, leave you suffocating for more. You get what you paid for, you got what you wanted. Now leave the fools to lick their wounds and salvage what little dignity they have left. It’s always what you want, always what you need. What you can get from everyone that you can’t find for yourself.

How easily you shine when people believe you. How easy it was to be the taker with nothing to give. It’s what you take from people that makes you who you are. It what builds the foundation of who you are and where you came from. We all want to use somebody. Be somebody to be used. Become the fool for foolish prides and juvenile expectations. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shames all on me. I should have seen the track marks as signs of what’s to come. Instead boys who cry wolf with their crocodile tears lead me to believe in everything else. You used me. Used me until I had nothing left.

I won’t be there to save you. One day the big bad wolf will take you whole and blow your house down. The people you use will band against you, then you’ll have nothing left. How mighty we feel when we have everything we want. Oh, how the mighty fall when they’ve lost everything they had.

Go cry to your sheep. Go cry to your legions of people that have yet to be used. Save your mighty self for a change. I can’t save you anymore, maybe it’s time you saved your own fucking yourself.

I know, yeah you too.

op·por·tun·ist:
a person who exploits circumstances to gain immediate advantage rather than being guided by consistent principles or plans.

Opportunists come in all shapes and sizes. They wear their masks better than the rest of the fakes and phonies. Flocking to you like a moth to a light. They can’t help but want everything you got. Use you, abuse you, then hang you out to dry. Always needing something from everybody, always there for the taking. Where do we find these people? Actually, Stop. We don’t find these people, they find us. They stalk their prey from the darkest depths of our vulnerable souls and take everything they can from us.  Take everything that you need, obviously you need it more than we do.

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I must have SUCKER on my forehead because I seem to fall for everything. I am standing in a new generation of opportunists. Standing in a crowd of people who use me and I can’t help but watch them do so. Watch them use me, use my family, take my money, and then go on to the next series of people. Watch their armies of acquaintances defend their honor. It’s cool, I thought we were friends too. It’s amazing what you believe, when someone is taking everything out from under you. After they’re done with you, it’s back to the shelf of used toys until they need you again. Maybe in a day, a week, or a month, they’ll come back. They always come back.

Living in an age of carbon copies and no one wants to be original. Let me leave everyone the blue prints of my life, so they can copy my entire existence. A copy will always be a copy. No matter how you change the appearance of the opportunity. Opportunists want what they can turn around and make their own. Using all of everyones resources to make the best representation of themselves. One of these days, the little opportunist that cried wolf, will not be saved. Next time people need something from me, call on all the other people that they have on their rotation of using. I sure as hell don’t need people like that in my life. When you can count how many times you need people and you can’t help yourself, maybe it’s time for a life change.

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If I stop feeding the opportunists, maybe they’ll finally stop leeching off of my life. Stop and realize that what they’re doing is wrong. I am tired of helping people that couldn’t give a shit about my well being. Who don’t take the time to see whats up in my life. You only need me when y’all want something. I am done. If you don’t hear from me, it’s because I’ve done found you out. After you have everything you want from me, when do I get to use you?

It doesn’t matter what I say anyway. Opportunists are just gonna jump from me to you. A never ending cycle of using to get used. I hope it’s worth it.

Call me when you need me.

2/28/2015

 

 

 

 

 

 

Left and Leaving.

I am afraid of Goodbyes, which has made it hard for me to let go. Holding on to things long after the after glow. It should be easy to be done and over with it all, but I keep coming back for more. Waiting for people to change, waiting for everything and the in-between. I can change everything else in my life but I can’t change the feeling of letting someone go. Holding on to the nostalgia of different times when things really mattered, realizing it never really mattered at all.

Why does it always happen to me? Am I not enough? Don’t you care enough to stay?

People are so self consumed in there own misery to notice you. I am no stranger to that. But when you need something you call on me, I always listen. It’s only when you need me around that you can find me. It’s been months since communication stopped and still you need me around. It’s hard letting go to the people that only need you sometimes. The flood of memories surrounding you don’t out weigh the outcome. If I bleed, would you even notice? If I said I needed you, would you bother to be there? We are all in the market to use someone. We make friends to legions and flocks of people, just to use from them all their resources. Needing something from everybody. Occupy our time with the expectations of a good time. I can’t pretend that it doesn’t hurt when people forget me. I can’t pretend that no matter how many times I try, It’s just not enough. Who am I to compete with the beautiful and damned? Who am I to say that feeling alone is never really lonely?

If I was perfect, people would want me. If I had everything you needed, people would need me. If I hadn’t said all the things I said, people would care enough to listen to my story. People can go into silence and pretend that memories are just ghost stories of the past. Maybe that’s all I am, a funny story of the past. Something you tell yourself to feel better about the past. When you’ve dried up your last resource is when people come back. I wish I could be that person for you. That I didn’t feel like just another photograph that you filter out the imperfections. Some days it hurts and some days its easier to forget people. Thats all I am trying to do, have the courage to forget people. Making the goodbyes, easier to say.

For the first time I didn’t feel like inviting you out. I stopped including you in my stories. I stopped planning adventures and asking you to go. If I pretend you don’t exist, it makes it hurt less. Maybe all silence ever is, is a softer way of leaving and letting go.  I watched the memories turn to dust and replaced them with something shiny and new. It’s after you are left alone that the leaving becomes easier. If it wasn’t for me to reach out, I wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with. All we need is to be alone with our thoughts to finally grow up and let go. I find myself becoming a grown up. I am growing up, as much as I wish I wasn’t. We all are, even you. I just wish I could see it all through.

2/4/2015