8/11/2015 – Day Five.

Drained. Emotionally drunk. Punched drunk. My body hurts and no matter how many times I try to get up, I continue to fall back down. Depression hurts all over, changes your mood in a hundred different ways. The more I suppress the feeling, the more it intensifies. What started out a somewhat productive morning, wound up extremely unproductive. After the meltdowns of the past few weeks, I started having fears about everything. To the extent that the upcoming trips I had coming up I wanted to cancel. I have never been one to cancel any trip, but lately emotions take so much out of me. No matter how much I want to put up a positive front, I don’t want to keep lying to myself.

I wasn’t sure what could get my mood back at least somewhat back in order. I knew I couldn’t be like this forever. I could dig myself a deeper hole than I was feeling. All I ever do is pick myself up and try to put back the pieces together. I wanted to pick up the pieces but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to put them back together. I was going to have lunch with a friend of mine, I knew that I needed to lift up my mood in some way. I get these episodes of severe sadness but find myself terrified of anyone finding out. Instead of telling people my problems, I pretend they don’t exist. Keep my emotions locked away in a box, until I am ready to completely deal with them. It’s hard to pick yourself up, when you’re feeling down. It’s hard to force yourself to be who everyones believe you are, when you’re completely falling apart inside. You don’t want your outsides to reflect your insides. Because it hurts, everything hurts.

This feels so repetitive, broken record status. The same thing over and over again. I get it, I sound pathetic. No matter how much I try, I can’t get these feelings out of my head. What do I want? What should I do? Everything and in-between. The more I struggle to figure out what I want, the more time I wasted getting myself together. I could have cancelled today. I could have done a million different things instead of going outside and meeting my friend. I knew I couldn’t avoid the world forever. That maybe a little sunshine would do me some good. Some days I feel stuck in my surroundings and other days I can’t help but succumb to it. When did I become fearful of change? When did everything fall beyond my grasp? All I know is that if I can’t put myself together, at least I can get it together enough to be okay. Even if it’s on the outside. I found myself pushing myself to do things, even when I am emotional incapable of doing things alone.

There’s so many factors that tingle in my fingers and bring a chill to my spine. I realized more than ever how alone I feel. How the clouds feel as if they’re forming against me, instead of staying within the skies. The sun doesn’t beam down on me, it mocks and burns my skin and scars my insides. Still I knew I had to get up and do something about it. I knew that the longer I stayed this way, the more it would hurt to stop this feeling. I got dressed, put a shirt over my head and put on a pair of jeans. It just starts to feel like a routine, you put on your war paint and wait to go into battle. Today I felt more insecure than ever. I felt disgusting, I felt over weight, I felt that a million people were looking at me, when I was the only one looking at myself. I needed to get out of this feeling. I didn’t care what I looked like. I didn’t care that my face was bare or that I didn’t brush my hair. I didn’t care that my shoes didn’t go with my simple jeans and tshirt look. I didn’t care, but somehow on the days that I don’t care, I care way too fucking much. I realized that I’ve come a long way with my body, but I didn’t feel like dealing with it today. I didn’t feel like being much of anything. Somewhere in my mind, I decided I needed to go for a walk. Since my options are limited in my surroundings, I decided to park farther than usual and walk in my hometown.

I succumb to this stage of paranoia. Nothing I say makes sense anymore. If I knew what any of this meant, I would have all of this fixed by now. I sat in my car, wondering about all these sentiments. Wondering if I have really lost it. Wondering if I was steps away of losing myself. Wondering if I was already gone. You tend to look at things differently, when you’re not feeling like yourself. A four block walk, looks like a battlefield to me. That at any given moment, something terrible was about to happen to me. I was crazy to think that way but I couldn’t help but feel completely petrified and utterly alone. It had been a long time since I walked around in my hometown. Walked around by myself without someone guiding me or agreeing where to go. I almost forgot how aware I am about my surroundings. How differently everything looks. I’ve driven down these streets numerous times and I can’t believe how much has changed and how much has remain the same. I never realized what is surrounding me, when I am so busy looking down on the ground. I never realized how businesses from my past have left or been remodeled or just disappeared. How in the past few years my hometown went from flourishing to completely bare bones. I forget how much I have left of myself on the steps that keep being repaved or retouched in hopes of beautifying this town. I forget and I’ve forgotten how these steps wanted something better but instead settled for what was worse.

It breaks my heart to think that the past isn’t as perfect as we saw it. That even the bare bones of old buildings will make memories for other generations after me. I think of all the steps, I keep retracing thinking it will lead me home. I don’t feel okay but being home makes it all go away. Today, I saw flashes of the past with the sadden truth of my present. I saw the life beams of this town and the may times it opened different variations of myself. I guess you never realize how much something changes until you are truly faced with it. I always pretended to see but I was just covering up the truth. You don’t know anything until you really see them, really see the person for who they are. It took me a while to see that in my hometown, I wonder if people think the same about me.