wants

I wish that it would rain.

Dark clouds roll over the clear blue skies. The greys and slates covering every inch of white clouds. Every inch of clear sky becomes vanished in the blanketed covers of the gloomy surroundings. The still of the air transforms into a chill that awakes your bones. You wish for it and you want it. You yearn for this gloominess feeling to stay, comfortable in your layers of never ending clothing. Your armor that shields you from everything and anything. It’s only the darkness that comes in. Everything else is just filler space. The chills, the shadows, all just awaiting the storm.

Waiting patiently.

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I stare at my shoes glued to the pavement. I wrap my coat tighter. Watch my hair dance in sequence with the wind from the corner of my eye. How I wished it would rain, right where I stood. Wishing the rain that fell would flood the grounds that I walk upon and swallow me whole. That all this darkness stood for something, anything besides the illusion of a storm. Watching the leaves fall from the trees and circle in motion beneath my feet. Still I wait. I wait in the cold for any ounce of rain to hit my skin. To fall to the ground and carry me home. Any thing to wake me up from this feeling. This feeling of doubt and sadness that needed a setting to escape to. I listen to the sounds of the rumbling in the clouds and wait for the rain. I watch the clouds anger and light up the dark skies, still I wait.

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I wait patiently.

Sadness has a way of wishing for storms. Wishing for moments to allow the darkness take ahold of the madness you’re feeling inside. I didn’t care. All I wanted was an answer to the skies that blistered with aches. Answers for this hurt feeling of sadness mixed with madness. Still I wait. I pray silently that the rumbling turns into a thunderous rage. That the skies would release their madness in form of tear drops disguised as rain. Then it would matter, then everything would make sense. Watch the rain slick the grounds and cover every inch of the streets. But the skies fail me. They only taunt the feelings and silence the emotions. I watch the skies continue to dark with night and not a drop of rain fall.

Still I wait.

The skies would eventually have to fall. Eventually the weight of the world would hurt the shoulders of the clouds and they’ll have to fall apart. I look up to the skies, close my eyes, and continue to wish for the sky to fall. For the winds to give answers to the cold. For the darkness to answer to this way I am feeling. I won’t run away. With my head in the clouds, I will stay close to the ground and my feet glued to the pavement. I will wait until the I am washed of these feelings and baptized into new sentiments. Wait until the rains fall from the heavens, until they can’t rain no more. Still I see nothing, still I wait.

We are familiar with the smells before rain that guide us into our sadness. Knowing that eventually waiting for never ending droughts, will get us no where but feeling silly for the waiting game. Still I wait. Wait for change, wait for growth, and wait for the rains to fall and hit me whole.

Any minute now, just a little while longer.

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3/13/2014

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A little back and forth lately.

I’ve been thinking about the ocean lately. Not in the classic summer way where thinking of beaches and warmer weather would make sense in this cold weather. But thinking of sand, water, and freezing cold temperatures. I miss the sounds of the ocean that I can’t hear from a bridge or from a window of an airplane. I miss digging my feet into the sand and staring off into the distance. I miss living near large masses of water. Water that I can see and touch whenever I feel like it. I am totally weird. Only a crazy person would think of the ocean when it’s freezing.

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In a way thinking of the ocean is just my way of wanting an escape. Wishing that people felt that way too. I get so consumed with other peoples ideas that I start to believe that they’re my own thoughts. Its been a while since I found people to connect with, people that are adventurous and not afraid of change. People that don’t want to go to the same boring places and actually want to venture out in different directions. We are so consumed with familiarity that going anywhere else seems like a hassle. I hate routine and I hate having to go to the same places because people are afraid of getting out of their comfort zone. I blame my area, I blame the central valley, most of all I blame people afraid of change. Then again I blame myself for not having the courage to venture off on my own. I could do it on my own, but like everyone else I too am afraid of a little change.

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To be honest with myself, I have to be honest with everyone else. I am scared. I am self-conscious. I am a lot of things in between. It’s so easy to want change from others but why is it often hard to seek change in ourselves. I want adventures, I want to experience new things, but I also want others to feel the same way too. It could just be the simple minded surroundings of my areas. Everyone’s lazy attempts at life, but at times I am no different. I want the ocean but I don’t want the journey that goes with seeing the ocean. I want the world to bend over backwards for me, but I can’t even lift a finger when the universe asks me to. I want the rain, but I settle for the drought. I want, I want, and I want, but I can’t seem to get myself started. I know to change things within ourselves we have to start small. Small victories before feeling victorious. I just can’t help but expect this huge change to start happening now. I am impatient for big changes and not realizing small changes are victories too.

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I want to get to the ocean before the weather starts getting warmer. I want to place my feet in the freezing cold waters and feel whole again. I want the ocean because somewhere deep inside I need the change. I need a change in scenery. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, all I know is that it will happen someday soon.

 

 

 

Where do I belong.

When you’re little you imagine going to far off places. Living in big beautiful cities. Meeting crazy characters that end up being the main focal points of your story. These make believe places that you dream about are all places you’ve heard about in films, songs, and books. You live this free existence that no one really understands. Why would you leave whats familiar into something you’ve never seen? The moments that act as they’ll last forever. The memories that hold you back from your fears. Those moments of being young and reckless without a care in the world.

Yesterday I packed my bags and said I was leaving.

Yesterday.

It seemed farther away than I imagined.

I boxed up every memory. Tore apart every photo. Said I was leaving and never coming back. Never say never, right?

Entranced by big lights and cityscapes, leaving the confides of your hometown to something bigger. This illusion you gave yourself when you were younger. Everything is better somewhere else. Everything is going to change once you change yourself. Failing wasn’t an option, it wasn’t even a footnote in your story. You pack everything you own into suitcases and boxes and hope for the best of everything you want. I didn’t know where I belonged, but I knew I belonged somewhere.

Yesterday.

I said I was leaving. I said I wasn’t going to come back until I made something of myself.

Yesterday.

Today, I felt like a stranger in my own hometown. Today the familiar faces that I grew up with are growing up. Did I miss the mark on being a grown up, believing that reality happened outside of your hometown? Chasing dreams, following strangers, and believing in illusions, everything I believed in yesterday. Today, I stopped believing.  There’s nothing like the present to frighten the past. It doesn’t matter how many places you’ve been, you could always come home. It doesn’t matter how many memories you have, you still haven’t gone very far.

Today, I felt stuck in my hometown. Today the streets that intertwined with the memories of the past, followed me into my present. You could always come home. The same faces, same ceilings, same old haunted stories, you could always come home to. I know every place and street in this town. I know the people, their stories, and their history. I know that after every darken night with bright lights, comes a sun lit sobering morning. Coming home isn’t always an option, coming home isn’t always a choice. Sometimes, coming home is all you have left once your spirit is broken and your dreams fade. My dreams were always bigger than my hometown, but today I can’t help but feel so small. Something bigger is coming, I know it. For the moment I have to settle for the sobering confides of my small town. Piece together the dreams of yesterday I have left. Piece together every scrap of an illusion that made me want to leave in the first place.

Today I said I would be different than yesterday. Today I said I’ll give this all a second chance. Today, I’ll figure out where I belong. Where do I belong?

Yesterday, I said I was leaving. I can’t help but wish that I was. Packing up every memory and starting over. Today, I’ll settle to stay home. If only for a little while.

Diary of a Mad Single Woman.

Status: Single.
Current mood: Happy

People have a funny way of believing that Single = Lonely. That your life in solitude is because of the person you are and the choices you make in life. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but single doesn’t always mean lonely, just like being in a relationship doesn’t always guarantee happiness. Some of us just chose to be single. As hard as that is to grasp being single is often a choice that we make for ourselves. Not because there is anything wrong with us, because there isn’t. Sometimes we want more to life than just settling down and being everyone else.

I know, SHOCKER.

While I can’t speak for the whole single community, I can speak for myself. I choose to be single. I choose to be single not because of my emotional problems, not because I haven’t found the right person, but because I genuinely want to be single.

There I said it.

I want to be single.

Maybe I am a little selfish in my logic and I know that people go on to lead amazing lives in the family aspect. I’m just not ready to jump forward and make that big commitment. I know it may seem weird to my family and friends, but sometimes the things you want are bigger than what everyone expects you to do. By no means am I afraid of commitment. Just my commitments may not be the same standards as everyone else’s. There is so much that this world has to offer that I haven’t even made a dent in. I never want to get to a point in my life where I wished I had done things different. Where I wished I would have traveled more, wished I would have been to different places and wished I would have had more experiences. Life is too short to settle for what everyone else expects me to do. So instead I am just going to exactly want I want to do.

In the past 14 years since I have graduated high school, I have been fortunate enough to set out and do everything I loved. I have traveled the country following my favorite bands, seen a variety of different cities, failed, fell, then got back up again. Sure I may have spent more money then I should have. I may not have money to show for all the times I spent doing everything I loved, but that’s what life is about. Life is about making a big mess of things, growing up and trying again. At the end of the day looking back and smiling because you did all those great amazing things.

I know you can have your adventures with a significant other by your side. You can grow and figure things out along the way with someone that shares the same sentiments you do. I get that. Everyone is different with their dreams and if you find the person that shares the same dreams you have, that’s an amazing feeling. I just never saw my life in that light. I’ve spent so much of my life helping people clean up their mistakes that I never had time to clean my own life. I have lived in the shadows of everyone else that it was time to focus on the one important person in my life.

Myself.

I want to see the world. I want to see how people in different countries live and communicate. I want to pay off my debts and not give the burden of my debts to anyone other than myself. I want to be financially stable and still be able to enjoy my life. I want to own my own home and decorate it in the way I see pleasing. I want to be able to look at myself and say I put myself back together before anyone else had a chance too. I want to see the lights of Paris, the streets of Cuba, the culture of Argentina, all before changing diapers and having to ask for permission from someone other than myself. I want to be my own boss before anyone has a chance to tell me differently. I want to struggle, bleed, claw, and cry for my dreams and when everything comes together appreciate that everything was worth it. I want to live in a big city and get completely lost in it.  I want to fall back in love with food and not feel the guilty regret of my past. More importantly I want to do things for myself without having to ask for help. Make my own mistakes, fall down, and then get back up again. Enjoy the modern wonders of life and still appreciating its deep cultured background. All of these things are everything I could only ask of myself and never ask of anyone else. My dreams, my hopes, and my desires that I could only want to come true.

Life has a funny way of changing you into someone else. With each life experience a part of you grows and changes to the person you’re suppose to be. That’s the kind of life I want to lead for the moment. You can keep your OKCupid, Tinder, speed dating. You can keep all comments about my life to yourself because at the end of the day I live with the choices I make. When I am willing and ready to make the jump from single to relationship, it will be on my terms. Until then I will continue coming and going as I damn well please.

Honestly.

My life is dope and  I do dope shit.

*CLICK*

 

 

 

 

 

Let’s take this back to the start.

Let’s take this back.

Way back.

Like to the way, way baaaaaaaaack.

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My adorable cuteness and my the Barbie kitchen and closet accessories I got from Santa. Santa always knew what was up. Thanks Santa!

When I was a small adorable child, I loved many things. My little pony, Barbies, stickers, colored pencils, Fred Savage from The Wonder Years…..AND MONEY. Even as a small child I knew the importance of what money brings. Money brings nice things. Money can buy you pretty things. What I didn’t know then was when I received that crisp 20 dollar bill in my Birthday card, that money would become the start of all things wrong in my life. It’s actually really sad to think that I, coming from two great law abiding, hard working and not to mention money frugal parents, would be in debt. After my parents instilled in me the value of a dollar, hard work and paying off debts, I didn’t listen. After receiving my money for birthdays , I would save it because that’s what I should be doing. That’s what I was taught to do. Save it for a rainy day. I did save. I had a nice little $100 dollar cushion. Then a book fair would happen in school; I just NEEDED those Luke Perry & Beverly Hills, 90210 books.

Honestly if I didn't own this book, I would know nothing about the Stars of Beverly Hills 90210!!!

Honestly if I didn’t own this book, I would know nothing about the Stars of Beverly Hills 90210!!!

Needed them.

NEED.

The word NEED is also the root of all evils. Honestly I didn’t NEED those books. I didn’t NEED half of the stuff I bought when I was younger. Frankly, I don’t NEED any of the stuff I currently own now. Why is that? Why is it we always NEED what we can’t afford, always NEED what we can’t have, always have the need to NEED something. A majority of all my neediness comes from sadness. The generic thinking that I needed something to make me happy. If I bought a new toy, or if my Barbie needed a new outfit I would buy them. While I did enjoy a happy childhood at home, its the sadness that I endured internally that was never satisfied until I had something. It didn’t matter what that something was. I just needed to have it. The one of many things that would make me happy. While both of my parents were extremely hard working, they showered myself and my sibling with everything we needed. A roof over our head, food on the table, stability in our home life. We were never left without needing anything. Of course when you’re younger you want more. So you vow that when you’re of age to work, that you would work hard to get all the things you’ve ever dreamed of. All the things you needed but never got.  It’s only then when you work hard, you earn hard. When you earn hard, you make money. When you make money, you can buy all the pretty things you want. Then once you have everything you ever wanted, will you truly be happy. That was my sad make believe assumption.

From the moment I had my first job at age 14 to my recent job at age 31, I have nothing but expensive expenses to show for a lifetime of spending. I have nothing but debts to re-encounter every single purchase I have ever made. Everything adds up by the way. No matter how many times you put money towards paying off a debt, you immediately go back to spending. You see this new available balance and you can’t help but tell yourself “I have $100 dollars on my Wellsfargo Visa, I can eat at this restaurant and spend $30 dollars on myself”. That $30 dollar meal, turns into a $30 dollar meal and a coffee. That $30 dollar meal and a coffee, turns into $30 dollar meal and the new album by so and so band. With that you’ve spend $75 dollars, before you know it your new statement arrives and you’ve spent the $100 dollars you just put in. Because you forget that there’s a finance charge at the end of every period.  My $30 dollar “I deserve it meal”, just cost me a $100 bucks.

The sad realization that everything in this photo aside from dress (which I didn't purchase) comes to a total of $395.23. Everything that I'm wearing, drinking, including what's in the basket. Debt is the reason I can't have nice things.

The sad realization that everything in this photo aside from dress (which I didn’t purchase) comes to a total of $395.23. Everything that I’m wearing, drinking, including what’s in the basket. Debt is the reason I can’t have nice things.

I’m miserable. Then what do I do? I get paid and buy something with my debit card. It’s this never ending cycle of spending that you don’t realize is a seriously problem, which in turn makes you upset, which then makes you miserable. While my peers and friends my age are building families, their own person legacies, not to mention doing a lot of traveling; I’m pinching pennies to buy a $4.95 coffee. Because instead of looking at the bigger picture of saving money for a rainy day; I’ve spent EVERYTHING.  But hey, I NEEDED THOSE THINGS. I live too fast and spend way too furiously. Its because in those 40 minutes you spent at the store, the half hour you spent eating a delicious meal, or the 5 minutes it took to get your expensive coffee, it was in that exact moment you felt happy.

Boy did you feel happy. Which lasted a full 5 minutes and then you’re back where you started from. The never ending cycle of excess spending.

That’s my problem. I realized how truly unhappy I was the moment I returned from a month long visit in Mexico (of course more money I didn’t need to spend, but reality was I needed this trip). In that month I spent no money on either of my credit cards, I bought no new clothes, didn’t have to eat at all the new restaurants, didn’t need that expensive fancy coffee every day. Sure I spent money I had saved on meals and adventures, but I didn’t feel the need to have everything. I didn’t need much of anything. While I realized that I live in a country of extreme excess, it was humbling to see life different from my own. Maybe that’s all we need. A slice of humble pie to bring us back to reality. The moment I walked into my room after a month long hiatus of being gone, I couldn’t believe myself. I honestly saw myself for what I was. I was a emotional hoarder who had a huge spending problem. My depression brought out the worst in myself and lead me in a downward spiral of clutter. I took one look in my room and told myself “I am better than this bullshit stuff”.

That’s how it started. How it all began. It took a little girl who felt the need to have everything to finally come to terms with her true unhappiness. I was rewarding my bad behavior with expensive items I didn’t need. Purchasing things to mask how truly sad I was on the inside and how ugly I felt. The years of problems I had in my life showed itself to me the moment I set foot in my room. The past relationship rewards, the sad breakup rewards, the countless bad day rewards, ALL OF IT. And you know what? I feel better knowing that I am on the road to being happy. It’s going to be hard to resist buying pretty shiny new things, but for my own well being it needs to be done. I have to keep telling myself, what’s better: being happy or a new kate spade wallet? Okay, wait. Let me rephrase that. What’s better: being happy or debt? Yeah that’s what I thought. Move along.

This is my introduction to a more frugal way of living and these are my own personal stories I am sharing with the world.

If you see me in the store with too many things in my cart, please feel free to keep me in check.