what the water gave me

Sinking like a stone in the sea.

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I can’t breathe.

My body feels heavy and the more I gasp for air, the more I can’t breathe. The air fills every open space  and I still clench my chest for more. I am suffocating in this dry land, I am suffocating with thoughts closing in on every last bit of my heart. This is the end. This is how I go. The thoughts that cloud my thinking and suffocating my breathing. This is how I disappear, how the memories vanish and wash away to shore. I need a clean escape, a new beginning and everything else that follows with that.

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We all want that escape to take us away from this reality. Take us far away from whats familiar and lead us straight into the unknown. All I want is some piece of mind. Some place that helps me breathe again. Some place so deep within my soul that I can find everything I am looking for. Its not here on land, its not here in this city, its somewhere near the water with its clear blue oceanic views. Take me to the ocean with this clear blue waters. Take me to the sands as white as snow. Take me far away from this reality and help me reach the shore. Let the waters run through my body and allow the currents to wash me out to sea.

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If I sink to the bottom of the ocean, no one will find me. They’ll mourn my life but they’ll never have me. I watch every inch of my skin become consumed under water. Watch the tides come tell me their secrets as they reach the shore.  I’ll let the water fill my lungs and only then will I breathe again. It’s only in water that I feel whole again. It’s only in water that the heaviness in my heart becomes completely weightless. My body is the stone that slowly sinks down in the sea. Watching the water consume my body, I feel weightless. I am sinking but I feel weightless. As cliche as it sounds, I feel like I am finding my way back home.

Its in this water that I feel like this life wasn’t good enough for me. That I could have been anything I wanted to be, but failed miserably. I could change my life into whatever I want it to be. I can finally find my way back home. Its in these waters that I feel clean. Clean from the bullshit necessities of yesterday. Clean from the juvenile way of thinking. Clean from the belief that I haven’t done anything with my life. I clench my chest and for the first time I can breathe again. I don’t find myself gasping for air. Instead I find my beating heart, its in the moment, I feel home.

1/12/2010

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What the water gave me.

When I was younger, I always believed that water had a super power. Water had the ability to wash everything away. Wash away your tears, your fears, and any indication of negativity. Every terrible emotion you had could be washed away, the second the water touched you. It was with it’s magical healing powers that everything washed away. Maybe I was completely naive but when you felt this hole in your heart, you wanted to believe it was true. That something so pure could wash away all the impurities in your life. Within seconds all the tears would disappear, into the mass of water never to be seen again.

Even years later, I still believe that.

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Water became this magic eraser for everything. It washed the slates of my mistakes clean. For an instant watching all the helpless sorrows I felt fall to the floor and into the drain. The water gave you this new beginning to start all over again. A different day, a different person. Just the complete ability to wash everything away and feel better. The reflections of your past that stared back at you in the water, didn’t matter. For a moment they were there and in an instant they were gone.

There are times I wished the water would wash away everything. The memories of the past and the moments of regret and self doubt. I wished the water would take those memories and drown them to the bottom of the ocean. Anything to take away the feelings of sorrow and regret. Because no matter how many times you scrubbed your skin, it never made you feel clean. You were always left with the reflections of your past staring back at you in the water.

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I know that I can’t change the past. For a moment I just want to make believe that the water holds all my sorrows and takes them away. All of the sadness, all the tears, and all the stupid memories, gone. Swallowed whole and through the drain to drown into the waters below.  Maybe the water can’t cure all my mistakes, but for a moment it can make me feel better.

Even just for a little while.